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Therapy
In January, I decide to hire a therapist in preparation for my impending grief. My father has cancer, and will most probably die sooner, rather than later. -
The poor choice
Because of weird health insurance rules, I end up going to a social worker as opposed to a legitimate psychiatrist. The second session I had with the social worker, she started crying. That probably crossed some professional boundaries, but whatever. -
The tarantula
Though my father was very sick, I would sit across from him at the kitchen table and mime a spider-walk with my fingers. He would smile and laugh. I asked if I could get a real tarantula, a pet I'd been wanting for years. He said "Yes, but don't tell your mother." That was the last time I asked him for permission for anything. -
Zodiac
Monday night, we watched the movie 'Zodiac.' We stopped the movie half-way through because my father was tired. I went out that night with some friends. -
Buzzing
At around 1a.m.my mother called me on my cell phone. Which was weird because I was upstairs and she was downstairs. My father had fallen out of the bed and she needed help getting him back up. I don't know how we managed. -
Hospice
That morning, around 7a.m. my father was incoherrent. He couldn't see anymore and he didn't know who I was. I knew that he was dying. Today. When the ambulance came to take him to the hospice unit, he had a moment of clarity outside in the sun. Laying on the stretcher, being wheeled to the ambulance, my father shouted back at me, "Lissy, make sure to turn off the lights." -
Death
My father died at 2:38a.m. The time is curious because this was the time that he would normally get up to go to work. My mother called me while I had gone home to shower. When I picked her up from the hospice unit, the song "Save the Last Dance" was playing on the stereo. That morning I had to go home and Google crematoriums in New Jersey. -
Vegetable Lasagna
My mother's lady friends stop by the house with a sheet of vegetable lasagna. I think we may have eaten that for a week. Walking around like my father was still just in the other room. -
Barf
That night, my mother and I get drunk. She on vodka, me on gin. I go out with my friends that night and I continue to drink. I end crying that my father was my best friend. And then I throw up all over myself and my friend's car. Oops. -
More of the therapy
The therapist still cried every time I saw her. It was totally weird. Around this time, she urged me to move out of my parents' home and separate from my mother. I did not. -
Acceptance
I got a phone call from The New School. I had been accepted into their Master's program. I thought it was a heinous joke. I was delighted. My mother cried because if the phone call had only come a week earlier, my father could've shared in the excitement. -
Family emergency
My human rights professor, who eerily looked like a Middle-Eastern version of my father, asked me why I was absent from his last class. I told him that I had a family emergency. He asked what it was. I told him my dad died. And then I cried in front of the whole classroom. That asshole had the gaul to tell me to "be strong." -
Going for a drive
I was supposed to bring the urn to the church the day before the service so we wouldn't have to set up the altar the day of. I carried the purple crushed velvet box that contained the urn up the church steps only to be told that I should come back tomorrow. I took the box back to the Jeep and carefully buckled it in on the passenger side. My mom called to see if I had dropped it off. I told her that Daddy and I were going for a joyride. -
Memorial Service
Today is my father's memorial service. I had to bring both the flowers and my father's ashes to the church. The big vase of flowers was leaking water on me as I carried it from the florist to the car. Water was all down the front of my Calvin Klein suit. It was terrible. If it wasn't for the help of a good friend, I probably would've freaked out. The whole day was terrible. -
Graduation
I graduate with honors from college. My mother is the only family I have. She cries the entire way through. I do not get a party. I do not receive any graduation money. The day passes and we never speak of it again. It's too painful for the both of us. -
Solstice
We sold my dad's car today. He taught me how to drive stick-shift in that car. It was very sad, but we needed the money more than we needed the car. -
Opportunity
An estranged family member comes out of the woodwork. My mother and I could not be more pleased. She offers friendship and familial love. She gives us another person to talk to. -
Nervous breakdown
It is so god damned hot that my mother and I have taken to sleeping in the basement. In an effort to preserve funds, we forego air conditioning. It is so hot and muggy that I start crying and can't stop. I blame it on heat stroke. -
Oil Prices
My father's birthday. We don't acknowledge it except in passing. Every day since my father's death, my mother has worried over the rising price of gas and oil. We can't afford air conditioning this summer. We are sweaty and cranky. -
Breaking up is hard to do
I start wanting to ditch my therapist. She stopped crying and was no longer entertaining. I put this off for several months, fearing that she would guilt me into continuing therapy with her even though I had gotten all that I was going to get from it. We continue to see one another until November. -
Understanding
I start dating my childhood best friend. -
School
My mother and I both start school. I go off to the Village and she goes to the local college for paralegal certification. -
Break up
I finally get rid of the therapist. It was easier to do than I had thought it would be., -
Report Card
Surprisingly, I made it through my first semester. I get all As. I am thrilled. The tension and depression in the house has eased. We are both doing well. We plan on ignoring Christmas.
